this is it folks ...

see ya in 18 months.

Hypocrisy and the Neverending Lie

I have traced all of the problems in my life and consequently the world to one single attribute/act/characteristic/behavior:

HYPOCRISY.

If people could follow the golden rule (ie treat others the way you would like to be treated) then there would not be any problems! There would not be lying, cheating, and stealing in the government because they would never want their money stolen, right? There would never be hate crimes, rape, murder, etc. What this all really boils down to is simple hypocrisy.

No one will look you in the face and say it is okay to be mean to someone. But will they be mean to someone? You betcha.

No one will stare you in the face and say they would love their hard earned money taken away from them. But will they support socialism? You betcha.

No one for one second enjoys being talked down to because of their religion, race, gender, etc. But will they judge others based on those very things? Ohhhhhhhhh yeah.

Why is that? Because everyone is a hypocrite! You, me, and everyone we know. Big fat liars who think one way, say one way, and behave a totally different way. Every single person thinks they can obey some higher law they've created for themselves, dictated by their own actions and void of any consequence. And every single person is wrong.

I am for one, tired of double standards. I am tired of people around me thinking its okay to talk down about others, but damn anyone else if they talk down about you. Stereotypes exist because they are partially formed about truth, and people will always judge other people. But in order to form a utopia, which IS possible whether people like it or not, you just need to abandon hypocrisy.

If you point out someone's faults based on actual facts, don't be offended when someone does the same.
If you don't want people to make up slanderous crap about you, don't do it to other people.

Don't talk the talk if you can't walk the walk. That goes for Obama and everyone else in America.

Cut out the lies and you cut out the cancer in society.

Dichotomies.

"To be or not to be; that is the question." - Willy Shakes.

I am not one for making major life decisions. The responsibility does not suit me well. Here are some major life decisions I do not want to make:

1) pursue music whole heartedly, haphazardly, or not at all.
2) chill with a bachelors, pursue my masters, get dual certified in another content area, or get my masters in something unrelated to education.
3) write a novel, or use my time for something else.
4) stay a registered republica, or re register as an independent or libertarian.

and finally

5) mission or marriage.

i would like to leave all of these decisions up to a magic 8 ball, and then just go with them, hoping for the best. I know this isn't possible however, which leaves me in quite a pickle.

I am neverendingly busy. Overwhelemed. Drowning in school, school work, teaching, student teaching, lessons, lesson plans, worksheets, and trying to find time to eat, bathe, and sleep amidst all of that. Let alone enjoy any free time, or get to watch some freakin Warehouse 13. It's only my first official week of student teaching. How will I survive the next 17 weeks?

In 17 weeks I'll graduate.

What.
The.
Heck.

What am I supposed to do with my life?

Can I be 17 again, please?

in a long time...

i haven't written on this thing for a very long time. i guess i only came here because it was an outlet where... i could write something, and i know very little if anybody even reads this.

im not gonna lay out the innermost details of my life on here, simply because i dont really know who is reading it. but i am gonna say that im in a rut right now.

desiring resolution but still angry.
devastated at the very thought, but trying to keep my cool.
mixed up. confused. crushed. hurt. sad. depressed. and questioning.

immature behavior? it feels like it. it feels like high school or something. but its not a game. it should be taken seriously. when its good it should be taken seriously and when its bad it should be the same way.

what do you do? what the heck do you do?

there's always a chance it could just get worse. or you could just invest more time and fall even harder and get hurt even worse.

do you completely put aside all of your pride, even when you feel like you've been wronged and you deserve better, and just let them be right so you can move on?

do you wallow, and not do anything except feel sorry for yourself and hate the very fact that you're awake, and you have to feel pain, when all around you people feel just fine and are enjoying their weekend?

or do you go to your sister's house and watch she's all that, and try to ignore the things that are eating away at you, the fear that your whole world is slipping away from you, the knowledge that you hurt somebody and the defensiveness that comes from being hurt yourself.

i dont know. i keep playing the same song, over and over. over and over. i remember why i started writing songs. because it was therapy to me. i had things i needed to say that i could put into songs easier than i could just put into regular words.

i'll play it again.

"what if love isn't enough?"

Comic books comic books oh comic comic books.

Nerd transformation........... COMPLETE.

Just snagged some new comic books. Gettin into the game. Makin' life worth livin, cause if you ain't busy livin then you're busy dyin. And I wanna live with some graphic novels up in my life.




1st series I'm collecting: X-Files DC WILDSTORM 2009. I am in love with Mark Denham. Spotnitz is the writer on the first three. Currently have issues 0, 3, and 4. Need the rest, up to six. They're on hold.



2nd series: Enter the UMBRELLA ACADEMY. Written by Gerard Way, lead singer of My Chemical Romance. Brilliant characters, already in the second series "dallas" -- currently trying to locate all of the first "apocalypse suite" series before delving into Dallas. Gabriel Ba is the artist, BRILLIANT! Really excited about this one.




Last series working on completing: X-Men Messiah Complex graphic novel. ALready on order, waiting for it to come into atomic so i can go pick it up.

I've got my SUMMER SET like the summer set.

I also want to pick up a couple issues of uncanny x-men featuring gambit and rogue, and eventually look into the invincible iron man. I'm going to buy david the HEROES graphic novel, volume one.

WORD.

sometimes you need to go home...

went to a new found glory concert on wednesday night.

i felt 17 again. i got in the pit, i got punched three times in the stomach and elbow, i almost got knocked over, i got a beer spilled on me, i pushed people around, i jumped up and down, i thought i was going to pass out, someone bled on my shirt *SICK*, i flailed about like an insane person....

and it was awesome. i hadn't done that since a little after high school - and after a horrible past month or so it felt great to get out that agression in a healthy punk rock style. i love new found glory cause their music is so energetic and positive and all the fans are hardcore straight edge kids. its a great atmosphere.

i definitely don't think i could ever do warped tour again, and i wont be at concerts every weekend like i used to be, but it was nice to prove to myself i still had a little bit of fight left in me.

their new album is awesome too by the way.

also, my friend Clifton's band City Knights just released their EP and its streaming free at www.myspace.com/bandofknights . They're really great so check them out. Thanks!

in loving memory of Travis Alexander.

For those of you who don't know, the world lost an amazing man almost a year ago by the name of Travis Alexander. He was inspirational and successful and very smart and motivated. He was a friend and/or boyfriend to my good friends, and my home teacher.



48 hours "Picture Perfect"

This website has an hour long episode of 48 hours centered around my friend and former home teacher Travis Alexander and his murder. I was closer with Travis about a year and a half before this happened, but was at his house for a birthday party months before.

I have no doubt in my mind Jodi is guilty. Sick, and evil, and guilty.

The pain has not left me, and increases the more I think about what happened to such a great guy. The worst part isn't that Travis led a "secret" life, or that he's gone -- it's that she was the one who took him. It's that she was the catalyst in any wrongdoing, and I firmly believe Travis would not only have changed his life but the lives of many others before his time was up.

He was TAKEN. Not lost, not fallen, TAKEN. And it breaks my heart.

Aaron and Taylor, two of his friends in the video, I know relatively well. I can't imagine how they feel about all of this.

After watching this I realized what a sick reality I'm living in. I could never have imagined something like this happening to someone that I not only knew, but a best friend to so many of my best friends. It made me start thinking about how blessed I am, but also made me so afraid for the future. What horrors await me? What other tragedies are to be faced before my time is up?

It's a shame Travis ever met her. He had his agency, and made his mistakes, but his heart was so good. It makes you wonder why evil triumphs sometimes. It is hard to find comfort for my thoughts.

This feeling had left -- his funeral was devastating but also left me with a feeling of joy and peace. I was surrounded by those who knew him and loved him best, and confident that he was in the Lord's hands. The longer the case goes unsolved and the more time that passes I become more haunted. I know he is safe and wrapped in the arms of the Savior. I am not one to judge him, or her.

It's just a harsh reality that life is so not right sometimes.

Travis's Blog.

I've begun to think about what is truly important. I will face adversity in my life. I will lose loved ones. What if I were to go tomorrow? Would I be ready to face my Heavenly Father? Travis wasn't. For all the beauty that Travis brought into this world, he was too deep in a struggle that he would not overcome. I know Travis well enough to know he regretted his behavior and was aware of Satan's grasp on his decisions. He just expected he had time to repent.

So many things are so wrong. I need to be sure I invite the right into my life.

This hurts so much.
so much.